“So how was it that I, a relatively sane, semi responsible member of a famous rock band was chosen to incubate in my as yet normal mind an idea such as the one we have before us. That one being “Obscenies”. I think I’ll reach down to the depths of my moral character and blame my kids.
You see, when they were very young they were smitten, like so many others of their generation, with a phenomenon called Beanie Babies. They went nuts and before long we had to go to the Container Store and buy huge clear plastic tubs to try and keep these toys from consuming every square foot of our house. Just when that problem was solved another company came out with similarly adorable creatures called Meanie Babies.
They had characters such as “Road Kill Cat” which was a pancaked kitty with tire marks across its back. Then there was the Mucusaurus, a prehistoric creature with a disgustingly runny nose.
Well my mind might not be on the par of an Einstein or a John Lennon but it’s capable of imagining what the next step in this chain of events should be. Obscenie Babies!!
I thought I had been struck with the kind of creative thought that could turn this from a mere popping of a zit in my imagination to something tangible and maybe even salable.
I started calling around, using all the powerful resources a guy in a famous band should have at his disposal until I found a company that could not only get some little plush toys designed but also find a place, undoubtedly in China, where they could be produced. The dream became real. The next thing I knew I had 7500 of these little things at a nearby warehouse waiting for me to step up and use all my marketing skills to make them fly out the door post haste.
Well, there were a couple of wrinkles. The first was that the company that makes Beanie Babies heard about what we were doing and threatened to squash us like a cute little plush- toy grape. We overcame that by changing the name to Obscenies which did a fine job as a replacement. The next problem was that after months of assuming everything would be fine with me using my well-known name, my wife Terry came out of nowhere with the disappointingly appropriate conclusion that associating my name with these things could cause serious embarrassment for our kids when all their school colleagues found out that their friends’ father likes to make little stuffed penises and a bird with breast implants.
As it happens, my son snuck one to school when he was in the fifth grade and the predictable uproar ensued. My wife even got called down to the principal’s office and was told that for the benefit of my son these things, including the website, had to go.
What if we lived in LA and I wrote comedies that had R rated punch lines? It wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow I assertively pointed out. My words simply fell to the floor as my wife’s glare continued to bore a hole through my forehead. Sadly, Obscenies had to wait.
Anyway, here we are, years later and my kids have grown up. The entertainment they partake of now makes Obscenies look like something Mister Rogers would have dreamt up.
Obscenies are cute, very high quality plush toys that could give anyone a chuckle. “Too Cute To Be Nasty” is our tag line. They’re not disgusting, they’re funny and make great gag gifts. They are surprisingly well made and they each come with their own limerick that I myself wrote. There’s Mister Happy, who has found the solution to any stressful tense situation. Then there’s Scrotilla the Hun who uses the mighty strength of his powerful gonads to conquer and plunder. The Penisaurus is simply an animal caught in the wrong era of history and has no problem using that as an excuse to crash through the jungle of modern life in search of satisfaction. Poor little Robin Red Breasts is so hungry for love she may have acquired the very first cosmetic surgery ever performed on an animal. She loves the result and can’t wait for all the males of the avian world to descend on her with offers of feathered bliss. The only problem is she can’t fly anymore.
So, there you go. I came up with it, I’m proud to offer it to a world in need of of a laugh or even a soft little stuffed animal to go to bed with every night. I hope you enjoy them. We also have other things that go with them that you might find indispensable. Like the Coin Puss. It has a familiar look and is very useful for carrying coins, condoms, jewelry or in my case, guitar picks. It’s a Pick Puss! Don’t forget to check out the keychains and boxers either. Hope you love ‘em!”